- [Narrator] When we sit down to play a video game, we expect to be transported and engulfed into another world filled with action, wonder, and overall fun, but some companies make games that are so bad that they are borderline unplayable.
Releasing games like this is a total disrespect to all of our hard-earned cash, and a slap in the face to gamers across the globe. Today, we take a look at the top five worst games of all time. (dramatic fun music) Ride to Hell: Retribution 1% is an action-adventure game filled with bikers, brawls, and boobies https://pokiesnzonline.com/. Meet Jake Conway, a Vietnam vet that comes home to rejoin his biker gang lifestyle. His brother gets killed right in front of him, and so begins the epic journey for vengeance. Sounds badass, right? Well, not so much. Let's just list a few of the problems, shall we? It's riddled with thousands of quick time events, poor driving mechanics reminiscent to snowboarding on a ski slope rather than a motorcycle, idiotic fighting sequences, fully clothed sex scenes. They're so misogynistic that they happen seven seconds after saving a woman from sexual assault. The combination of motorbike and fence apparently equals an explosion. Some of the worst voice acting in any game ever. - Oh sooky, sooky, huhuh oh wow. - [Narrator] The soundtrack is so mind-numbingly repetitive. Cutscenes are just that, scenes that are cut so abruptly that you don't even know what's going on. On top of all the insanely bad gameplay and story, this game is the ultimate glitchfest. And to think that think that this game was released in 2013, after five years of cancellations, reboots, and redos, this was the end result? I would rather hock a loogie on dry pavement only to watch it bake in the hot sun on a Tuesday afternoon than to play this festering corpse of a game again. (yelling) Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor is the not-so-exciting follow-up to its predecessors Steel Battalion and Steel Battalion: Line of Contact. The first game features a controller that had lots of buttons to help you maneuver your mech, but it costs $200. So, instead of making people buy a crazy expensive peripheral, they thought it would be a good idea to utilize the technology of the Kinect on the Xbox 360. It was a game targeting the hardcore gamer looking to use the Kinect for something other than Kung-Fu High Impact. While the visuals and the story were decent at best, it fails miserably at the most fundamental necessity: motion controls that actually work. Trying to combine the standard Xbox 360 controller and the Kinect for gameplay was a terrible, terrible mistake. Heavy Armor has been widely panned by critics and gamers alike, and is considered unplayable due to the inability for the Kinect to accurately read the player's movements. If you've ever played this game, you've found yourself screaming, no, not that button. What are you doing? I'm not even moving my hands anymore. Flipping switches and pulling open vents required you to slow down and act as if you're miming it out to a child, and there's no guarantee that that would work either. Playing this game is like writing on a chalkboard wearing slippery oven mitts. Sure, you'll make some marks here and there, but trying to write your name is just frustrating and unbelievably difficult. What breaks my heart the most is that it's made by the beloved company Capcom. Yes, the same folks responsible for Street Fighter, Mega Man, Lost Planet, and Resident Evil. For shame. (dramatic music) Superman 64 is the bane of the DC Gaming enterprises. Yes, even worse than Aquaman. The very first stage is a barrage of rings that you have to fly through, but it's extremely difficult because the controls are horrendous. Once you manage to get through the rings, the on-screen instructions flash for a split second. You have to be a speed reader in order to comprehend what was just displayed. After you piece together what to do with those two cars from context clues, guess what? Another ring maze. There are a total of five ring mazes in the first stage alone. Second stage? Glitchtastic. You will fall through the floor or go through a wall. And after that? Oh yeah, more rings. You are inundated with ring flying for the entire game. It's basically a series of unimaginative mini games, and flying through rings.
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So, after you, the brain-dead, mindless consumer, just got done bawling your eyes out over my "emotional and engaging" poker story I'm supposed to show you at *least* one full minute of gameplay of the stupid app; and again, this is basically every mobile game sponsorship it's not just specific to this dumb poker app. So after you sit down, and you're supposed to believe me, your reputable, trusted, loved, creator try to fucking bamboozle you, like you're three years old and you don't know what an advertisement is, I'm supposed to... just naturally and organically, whip out the app, and show it to your fucking dumb face and say, [Excitedly] "Oh, remember that thing that you and me- "Buddy?
We're buddies..." "were just talking about naturally? "Well, here's some gameplay of it. "You guys want to see some gameplay https://uscasinosguide.com/casino-bonuses/?" [Suddenly lower] You guys like gameplay, don't you? You millennial bitch. I know the main focus of this video is to shit directly on the companies themselves for having unrealistic expectations and my intent is to not condemn the creators who accept these; I've been in the position myself, of needing a little extra influx of cash and doing what I had to to try to make rent next month. But some of the people that end up going through with the ads, you can tell immediately, that it's just the most horrible, fake, stupid way to implement a brand into a piece of content. Almost every single time, they'll start off the video saying what they're gonna be doing today, and then somebody else will grab the camera, and they'll come in like, if it's in a garage, they'll come into the garage, and their friend will come behind them and be like, with the camera, they'll say, "Hey Josh, you ready to get going? We're gonna film that video today" and then - I'll be Josh. [Bouncy music] "Oh, hey Travis, "I'm sorry. You must have caught me while I was off guard. "You see, my life has basically been non-existent the last two weeks, "as I've been clinically addicted to this new Gus's Fuckin Poker App ®. "Oh! You're rolling right now, you say? "Well, seeing us the cameras up and running, "didn't know that was gonna happen- "anyways, let me just shift the phone here, "so you can see that I'm playing "a double-dip dipstick baby-drop-pop Doug Dimmadome, Texas Hold'em two-for-two, Julian Smith app game right here "Is the three minutes up yet? Okay. "Well, thanks for stopping by the garage. "That's just part of my life that's going on right now. "Catch you later, bitch." [gunshot] [Dischordant keyboard] This video is going off the rails. So to wrap up this midlife crisis of a video, sponsorships are just something that's gonna happen on YouTube It's got to happen for your favorite creators so they can create the content that you want; It's a part of the community now... I- and many of my other creator friends- are very appreciative of people being so accepting of the fact that most people can't really rely on the YouTube ad earnings fully and they'll sometimes have to supplement income with sponsorships. Especially the guys that make 30-second content, that sometimes, after hundreds of thousands of views, you make ...three dollars That is not an exaggeration. If you want to see even two creators that just kill it with their sponsorship game, look at like, Drew Gooden and Erik Comment Etiquette are great examples of people that take this sponsorship and make content out of it. And one final note, in a video where I complain about sponsorships, is to mention, yet again, that the most dope, and cool, and completely apathetic hands-off company to ever do sponsorships with is Incensezen.com. You want to go buy like 20 fucking incense sticks where you burn them and then they make your house smell really good? Go get 20 sticks for, like, 2 bucks online use coupon code Gus for 15% off your order. I've been working with Incense Zen for well over a year and they just... they do not give a shit about what you do or what you say. They don't even make me approve the videos before I post them. They don't care what I said- I've literally said in videos, as a joke, "Fuck Incense Zen," and their rep goes, "Alright, great! That's good. I love it." [Laughs] They just dont... They get it! They're a cool company, And if you want to support them, which does, in turn, support me financially and "business-wise" then go to incensezen.com and you can use coupon code 'Gus' at checkout: you get 15% off your order So, check out Incense Zen if you wanna make that stank [rhyming] go down the sink thanks for watching the video and for supporting what I do. Go ahead and follow me on Twitter for updates about the channel, and for new content, and for some recycled old content that I'm trying to whore myself out on so don't forget to turn on that notification bell, be good to one another, and holy shit Icee would you fucking send me an email? [into the mic] Bye boys [gunshot] So - you're a Youtuber. Let's crack into what a mobile game company wants you to do for their brand. Now, I'm not going to be using the names of companies, apps, or other youtubers that I've gathered information from or had first-hand experience with, pretty clearly, because while I don't condone this I don't exactly have the money or the clout to shit down the throats of... every big company in the world. [gun cocks] Let's start with some promotion that I myself have admittedly done for a mobile game app, over a year ago. So I made one of my longer unconventional oven cooking videos, and I threw in the sponsorship for a mobile game about poker and gambling.
You know, one of those things that your cigarette-ridden aunt plays so that she can win free tickets to casinos where she thinks she's getting more money than she's spending because they give her a free night, and she'll drop two thousand dollars, and then encourage you to come take bonus points and play with her and get free shit. You know... those apps. Just looking back in my Gmail history here, I noticed that this interaction was a 59 message email thread. That is 59 individual emails that were sent back and forth between me and the company, to try to decide on what would work for us, creatively and business-wise Now, the only reason I was entertaining any sort of sponsorship particularly from a mobile game company at that time was clearly because, I needed some extra cash- as many Youtubers find themselves in, especially growing and coming up as they start making their name on the platform. After 59 emails, here is what the company still insisted on getting from me for promotion. Let me know if any of these talking points sound familiar or, if you've heard one of your favorite creators talk like this in the past. To begin my video, this company wanted me to start right out of the gates with a two to three minute talking point about their ad. What? What is- What is...? Of the roughly 500 videos that I've made, probably 10% of my catalog is even over 2 minutes. In all the talks that I have ever had with mobile game sponsorships, they will not fucking budge on the first 1 to 2 minutes- no exceptions. So in these first 2 to 3 minutes, here's what I am supposed to be cramming down your slimy little consumer throat: I am supposed to tell you, right out of the gates, that I found this- quote, unquote, [Bouncy music] "fun, exciting new app that I just can't get enough of." That sounds really genuine. You guys know me well, I talk like a 50's sitcom dad. [Old-school whistling] "Hey gang. Why don't you hop in here? "I found this nifty new app that I just can't get enough of!" I am supposed to tell you three to five different features of the app that I specifically love. So, for example, if I were talking about a poker game, I would say something along the lines of, [Bouncy music] "Hey guys! "So, I recently came across this cool new app called "Gus's Fuckin Poker App ®. "One of my favorite things about Gus's Fuckin Poker App ® is the 2v2, Texas Holdem "no limit double draw limit down poker tournaments" - "Guys, we're just having a casual conversation." The next item on the list, after talking about the specific app features that I like, is that I am supposed to tell a- quote, "emotional and engaging story about how poker "has influenced my life." [screeching] WHAT? An emotional and engaging story about how poker has influenced [Dischordant Keyboard] [Borat voice] my life! [Several gunshots] UGHH!!! [Somber music] Hey guys, so, I just wanted to say that... I was in a really rough place a couple of years ago, and I was living on my parents couch, and I was 43 years old, and I didn't have any job, and I still wet the bed - or the couch I guess, but then my cousin Ross came to town, and started inviting me to some black market, backroom poker tournaments, and I risked it all, and I had to do a lot of really bad things for money [Echoes and whistling] But then poker got my life back on track! :-) [gunshot] Welcome to a piece of online content. Today I wanted to talk about something that's probably a little bit present in your lives, and very, very present in lives like mine, and your other fellow... and your other fellow creators. ONLINE SPONSORSHIPS!
As many of you are probably aware the environment of YouTube and Advertising shifted kind of last year as the "ad-pocalypse" happened and many people, including myself, could start to not really rely on YouTube ads themselves to pay the bills, and had to shift unfortunately towards implementing more sponsorships from companies, brands, and all the likes on their YouTube videos. It's never fun to have to sell anything to anybody, in fact, it makes me feel like when I was back in middle school and I had to sell "pizza kits" for my cross-country team so we could all get sweatpants. First of all, why are you buying sweatpants? [gunshot] It's a cross-country team! Second of all, who the hell wants a "pizza kit"? It was a Little Caesars "pizza kit". You got the crust, and the sauce, and the cheese and shit and you could make like, three pizzas for like $25! Why- if you're shelling out that much money for pizza you have to make yourself, and it's from Little Caesars? What are you - what are you doing, guy? Anyway, everybody knows, it's not fun to have to push things on other people. Now, in my experience, I've had a pretty generally "ehh" time working with brands. There have been many brands that have been pretty unreasonable, and out of touch and, and very greedy, and selfish with their demands and what they want for the promotion, But there have been a couple brands that have been very very cool: If you want to know, honest to god, the best brands that I've worked with personally: They've been Incense Zen, MunchPak, SeatGeek and Dollar Shave Club; [Dramatic music] But of all the brands that do business on YouTube by FAR, the worst, most cancerous, negative, selfish, unrealistic, just downright [Cocks and shoots gun] STUPID companies on YouTube are [Echoes] Mobile Games... You guys got mobile phones? Do you like your cellular mobile devices? You want to play some fun activities on there? Well, let me tell you a little bit about mobile game companies and their presence in the YouTube world. Now, just looking at you guys, I can tell that generally speaking, you seem to be a classy bunch of people. I bet that, generally speaking, you watch comedy channels, maybe a little bit of commentary, maybe a little bit of lifestyle stuff that's done well and isn't predatory. So most likely, you haven't been exposed to some of these very cancerous, mobile game ads from some of your favorite creators. But if you have ever seen a mobile game ad on any YouTube video, I guarantee you, that it has gone almost exactly the same way, every time. So what I have done just for you today is collect a series of emails that I've received from mobile game companies over the years, I've reached out to other Youtubers who have received emails for mobile game companies over the years, and I have compiled a general list of some of the things that mobile game sponsors want you to do for them on YouTube. What I find eerie is the fact that even though these emails come from a multitude of different companies, brands, games, and just people in general, almost every single promotion for a mobile game reads about the same. James Hartigan: This hand comes from Season 3 of the European Poker Tour, 4 remain on the final table at Copenhagen. Hungary's Richard Toth and France's Bertram Elky Grospellier are about to clash -- big time. James: Richard Toth is chip leader at the table. He can afford to be speculative, especially with ace-jack of hearts. Lee: And that's not particularly speculative given the range of hands that Elky is raising with. James: Yeah if anything he should actually re-raise.
Lee: That's what he's doing. James: How much? Lee: It's a re-raise of 71,000 and just telling Elky look, you were stealing, you tried, it didn't work, now throw those cards away. James: Well that's the message he's trying to send! But Elky is sending a message back. Lee: He says, no-no-no, I really do have a hand; he is lying but you're allowed to lie in poker. He said: I was on the button but I happened to wake up with pocket 8s or whatever it really was, this is what good poker is all about. It's not 8-8 versus jack-queen, it's thinking about what your opponent thinks, thinking about what your opponent thinks you have. It is a beautiful series of calculations and it's what makes this a wonderful game. James: Well there's the call from Richard Toth. We're going to see a flop! And Elky can't be happy about that. Is he going to give up now Oncasinogames jackpot city? Well he may have picked up a straight draw but Richard Toth's got top pair and he's checking it. Elky checks behind him., Lee: Now there's a spade flush on the board and it's an over card to Toth's pair of jacks. That is a great bet from Elky. I don't care if it works or not, that's a great bet. James: Well it hasn't worked because Richard Toth has called, he thinks his jack is still good, he's not going to give Elky credit for the queen or for the spades. More than a million in the pot and the river card is a 6. Lee: Oh my god, it's the bingo card for Elky. James: He's made the straight, he started with a nothing hand, 5-7, and he's made a straight on the river! Lee: It looks like a complete blank to Toth. And Elky has been betting all along. James: And now he's moved all in. It's the biggest pot of the tournament. It'll decide who is chip leader. Lee: This is going to be impossible for Toth, 'cause if he tries to work backwards what Elky's hand is, nothing makes sense. If he's going to give him credit for a real hand he has to give him credit for the spade flush. Elky knows when he goes into the tank like this he doesn't have spades. There is a man who is sitting with the calm confidence of a Christian holding 4 aces. James: A tough decision for Richard Toth. Lee: He says he calls. James: Well he's made the call, the cards go on their back and he sees the bad news. He was leading all the way until the river when Elky made that straight. Sickening defeat for Richard Toth and Elky is the new chip leader table. James: To vote for this hand click now and then share it with your friends. Online degree courses have brought brand-new options to individuals that were previously unable to advance their career options through the university system. This benefits greatly fully grown students who were past the standard age for college attendance, but who wish to either change their jobs or progress in their existing one. 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